Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Behind every tragedy . . .

Milestones change us.


That is the point. Major events happen in our lives that make us reexamine who we are and what we want out of life.

I used to think I knew who I was and what I wanted. I am not so sure anymore. I used to think I had everything figured out but now I don't.  I am feeling things I never thought I would feel.  And wanting things that I thought I was past wanting. And not wanting things anymore I thought I did for so long.

I thought I had a plan. I thought I knew what I was doing.

Boy was I wrong.

Life had other plans for me.

I cannot control what happens to me. All I can do I face it head on, adapt, learn and make changes as necessary.

One thing I know that will never change is the whole point of life is to be happy. Every move I make is in that direction. Even if no one else can see my reasoning. Even when I face opposition and ridicule. I still move myself towards happiness.


Monday, June 10, 2013

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end . . .

Well it was a year and a half ago when I started this blog and have not wrote for over six months. So much has changed in the last six months I do not even know where to begin.

I quite my job

Moved to a new city - moved in with three other roomates

Took a CNA class so I can work in health care while I finish my BSN

Filed for divorce

And there lies the kicker . . .

I will be divorced before I am 30.  I never thought I would say those words.  Granted I didn't expect to get married two years ago either.  Two years . . . that is all we lasted.  We didn't even make it to average.  We failed.  But not for lack of trying.  No one can accuse us of not talking through our issues, trying to compromise, making changes, trying to work things out.  Sometimes there are just irreconcilable differences.  There are definitely irreconcilable differences.  You can love someone with all your heart but that doesn't mean you can live with them . . . or should for that matter.  I do not want to walk away from this bitter and angry.  I want us to be adults, work everything out civilly, shake hands in the end and wish one another luck.  I want him to be happy.  He deserves that.  But I deserve to be happy too.  We can't make each other happy anymore so that means it is time to move on.  I know people out there that still don't believe in divorce.  They say you made a commitment and should stick with it no matter what.  I wonder how many of those people are happy though?  Each time I have been asked what is the purpose of life I have responded by saying "to find happiness".  I still believe that.  What is the point of living if you are miserable while doing it? I will not find my happiness in a partner that has tired but cannot understand me, doesn't know how to love me the way I want to be loved and cannot handle my emotions.  It isn't his fault.  He has tried.  Just like I tried to understand him, to see his point of view and give him what he needs.  But I failed also.  I am done with the blame, done fighting and arguing over the big shit and the small. 

Irreconcilable differences. 

That is what I chalk the last 4 years up to.  It sucks.  It is hard.  Do not let anyone ever tell you divorce is easy even when it is a mutual decision. Breaking up is always hard to do but this is different.  It hurts.  For now.  But we will walk away better and stronger individuals.  Why?  Because we now know what not to do.  We know what we don't want next time.  It is just up to us to make sure we don't make the same mistake again.  Not that I think our marriage was a mistake.  It wasn't.  We did what we thought was right at the time.  And maybe others won't understand, but as long as we remember that, it will be alright. 

Now we are doing what we think is right.  Ending a marriage and walking away.   Folding before we hate each other forever, before we resent our partner for not living up to our expectations. 

Unmet expectations.

Those bitches will be the death of any relationship. Both of us have unmet expectations.  We are such different people.  I guess in the beginning I couldn't see it.  It took me a long time to see that we aren't meant to be.  It is a hard conclusion to come to, especially when you love someone and have put so much time and effort into building a life with them.  But now it is time to deconstruct this life and a chance for both of us to build something new. 

Out of this tragedy comes opportunity.  Opportunity for both of us to grow, change, pursue our dreams and find happiness.  I have hope.  Hope that from the ashes we both will rise and find greatness.  Greatness in ourselves, in what we will do next and perhaps if we are lucky in someone else also.


I feel toxic.
I leave a trail of destruction in my wake
and I don't know how to stop.
I wonder if it is selfishness
or a narcissistic need to fulfil my own self worth.

I cannot see the good in me anymore.
It is clouded by my greed.
Drowning in my desires
I am grasping for air.

Begging to see the light.
Hoping for redemption.
But I do not deserve forgiveness.

The guilt I feel is not my own.
And the pain of loss is someone else's.
And there lies my fundamental problem.
I should repent and come clean
But the hate I feel is for myself.

When morning comes
I fear it will be too late
To take back what has been done,
To start anew,
For the damage has already been done.

April 2013

Sunday, October 7, 2012

The more things change . . . The more they change

So I know I have not blogged in a really long time. I have been busy. I have been stressed out. I have not had time or really a desire to blog about anything. But so much has happened in my life this year. So much has happened in the last month. My marriage has gone from one extreme to another in the short span of 9 months and if it were not for my wonderful, caring, understanding husband loving me so much I don't know where I would be right now. Over these last few months he really has become my best friend. He truly loves me for me despite my flaws and issues and imperfections. He accepts them and doesn't judge me and we are a team. A real team finally. And I love him more and more each day. He has been there for me through my worst and still loves me. I can't say that about many people in my life. When I am down he lifts me up. He is there for me to vent to when I am frustrated and doesn't take offense. Without him in my life I would be lost. He is my rock. He is my strength when I am weak. My light in the darkness. My best friend. My love. Thank you baby!

Thursday, June 21, 2012

I am a horrible blogger!

Okay, okay so I know it has been months since I blogged about anything.  I am horrible at this shit!  But in my defense I started out at the new year and then the worst semester of my life hit me square in the face!  Who thought working a forty hour work week and then taking two science labs Monday through Thursday nights at 6:00 p.m. would be so damn hard?  Sure not this girl!  But I survived and even managed to keep up my GPA.  Granted the house was a disaster area, I had forgotten how to cook and my marriage was in shambles.  Yes, I know my semester ended a month and a half ago and I am taking the summer off.  Frankly, I was too depressed to write about anything that wouldn't end in my whining like a baby about how much I hated my life.  Things were bad.  Things were bad at home, in my marriage, financially and in my head.  I was eating like crap and gained weight back.  I wasn't exercising.  All I did was lay around the house and be lazy.  I must say I have read like 10 books though since the end of April.  But I am pretty sure that is the only achievement I can claim for this summer. 

So I got my act together.  Started eating better and working out again and managed to drop twelve pounds for my friends Kat and Joel's Louisville, KY wedding.  I started cooking dinner again and manage to clean the house at least once a week.  The dishes and laundry get put away now and my husband and I are really working on our relationship.  I feel better.  And I feel like writing again!

My summer and fall seem to be filling up fast though as I get ready for my little brother's wedding!!!  He proposed to Sarah while they were on vacation in North Carolina a few weeks ago and are planning a December wedding.  Sarah asked me to be her matron-of-honor and I am so excited to be a part of their big day.  Plus it is another excuse to buy a pretty dress and matching heals!!! 

I think I am going to dig through some of my old writing notebooks and see if I have anything good in there to share with my readers . . . because I have so many I am sure!  Or maybe I can rework some not so great pieces . . . we will see what happens!

Sunday, March 18, 2012

The government needs to stay the fuck out of my uterus . . .

And this is why I don't get involved with politics.  In fact, I go to great lengths to avoid the never good news channels and I refuse to listen to the string of lies that stream from political candidates mouths.  But I can no long sit quietly, content to be ignorant while the female form is attacked right and left all across our nation.  It is very disconcerting, especially during an election year and I almost feel like it might be backlash from the last presidential election fiasco.  But then again that is just my own personal conjuncture.  But I diverge. 

My interest was peaked, however, a few weeks ago when Rush Limbaugh's attack on women went viral across the web. Women who use birth control are all sluts and prostitutes according to Limbaugh and if we chose to use birth control then we might as well video tape ourselves having sex and post it on the internet for everyone to see since tax payers are paying for us to have sex after all.  Says the man who has been married four times with all his previous marriages ending in divorce.  I have very mixed feelings about the fact that my alma mater Hillsdale College is a Limbaugh supporter.  But that is neither here or there. 

And Limbaugh isn't the only culprit.

I guess I thought the women's rights movement of the sixties had paved the way for women to chose how and when they wanted to have children.  I thought we had socially evolved beyond the desire to keep women barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen.  Women hold positions of power, are CEO's, advance up the ranks of the armed forces, serve as doctors, lawyers, judges and hold political positions right?  Feminism is socially acceptable.  Right?  But if I didn't know any better I would think it was still 1950 and all women were still supposed to be stay at home mothers whose job it was cook and clean and serve their husbands as they popped out as many children as possible.  Women who do not desire to serve their men and children are all just sluts and prostitutes.  There proper place is barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen remember?

Barely people at all. 

Georgia Representative Terry England proposed House Bill 954, which would make it illegal to obtain an abortion after 20 weeks including removing stillborn fetuses.  It would force women to carry a still born fetus to full term and endure agonizing labor to give birth to an already dead child.  He equated women to farm animals.  He grew up on a  farm and well that is how they did it with cows and pigs so it should work just fine for women too, right?

If we aren't sluts we must be farm animals. 

Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell and Alabama Senator Clay Scofield proposed a bill that would force women who wanted to have an abortion to an extremely invasive transvaginal ultrasound so that they can view their child and empowering then to make the most informed decision possible about their fetus. To give informed consent they must undergo a dangerous and invasive procedure against their consent.

They are just women, we don't need their consent. 

California Congressman Darrell Issa didn't think a panel convened to discuss a mandate that insurance companies cover birth control pills should include any women or allow any women to testify.  An all male clergy panel was sufficient since they were not discussing reproductive rights after all but merely freedom of religion.

Clearly women could not have anything productive to say about religion.  Not like we allow women in our clergy anyways.

Republican Presidential Candidate Rick Santorum referred to his wife as "the rock which I stand upon".  I hope she has a strong back!

And the one I have found most disturbing: A proposed Arizona law would allow employers to require female employees to provide medical evidence that they are using birth control pills for "non-sexual" purposes.  Not only can employers pry into the personal sexual lives of their female employees but they would be able to fire them for having sex in the first place.  Men of course are excluded here.  They can have sex when and where and with whomever they want.  No questions asked.

So women are only allowed to have sex if they are going to pop out a baby in return.  It's not like our planet is over populated or anything.  Not like we don't have fourteen-year-old girls having babies that they can't support.  Don't worry they don't have to. The government will support them.  Have a few more and the government will give you even more money.  You can sit around all day eating Cheetos and watching soap operas while the rest of us work to support your ass.

I'm sorry.  I was starting to get angry there.  That is just it though, I am pissed off about all the woman bashing circulating around Washington.

I have pretty much considered myself a feminist since college.  And while my husband and I are on the same page most of the time when it comes to women's right and equality and pulling our own weight around the house and all that good stuff, he was and still is very pissed off that I refused to completely give up my maiden name.  In fact, my father was also upset with me.  But here is the thing, I could not give up that part of me.  I had a crisis of identity after I got married.  I had been Laura Branning for 27 years and was not willing to completely abandon that part of me.  I could not just become Laura Smith.  Not only is it a completely boring name (and not Irish in any way, shape or form) but it wasn't me.  I wasn't just a piece of property that was being bartered.  My title wasn't going to be transferred from my father's name into my husband's name.  So sorry.  Too bad. 

And guess what, I have been on birth control pills since I was sixteen-years-old.  I have poly cystic ovarian syndrome and my gynecologist recommended birth control pills to help prevent me from developing cervical cancer.  I have never been pregnant.  And frankly I don't think I want to reproduce at this point.  I am pretty sure my husband and I have decided that children are not for us and we will have nieces and nephews that we can spoil and send home.  Besides my brother and sister-in-law make beautiful babies!

And *gasp* my husband and I have sex.  And *gasp* he isn't the first man I ever had sex with.  But I am a woman.  I shouldn't have sexual rights or freedoms.  Or at least I shouldn't talk about them right.  The only reason I should want to have sex is to have babies right.  

So I guess that means I am a slut right?  A prostitute?  So who wants a sex video?

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Face Shredding Didn't Suck After All!

Unfortunately, I had to come back to reality after 9 blissful days of no work or school spent visiting with friends and family in good old Canton, Ohio.  I enjoyed my spring break so much, that upon arriving back in Hillsdale, Michigan I informed my husband he would be locating a job in Canton as soon as possible.  Moving home is no longer just an idea that Andy and I have been tossing around since Christmas.  It is a plan.  It will happen.  And soon.

So I discovered that even metal music can not only be tolerable but quite enjoyable with a little (or more like a lot of) liquor.  My brother managed to convince me to buy a liter and a half of Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum as well as a liter and a half of Pinnacle Whipped Vodka for his birthday celebrations!  Shane and I decided pre-gaming it up before the concert was the best option and proceeded to match one another shot for shot!  Sarah had agreed to be our designated driver for the night so Shane and I were free to drink ourselves stupid.  And we did.  Shortly before it was time to leave, Shane's neighbor Ryan shows up with a bottle of Jack Daniels Tennessee Honey.  We get the bright idea to to mimic the 4 horseman shot and created what we dubbed the Triforce Triskellion.  Surprisingly, it was delicious . . . unfortunately, it was 6 shots later in 15 minutes delish!  By the time Sarah managed to stuff Shane and I into her car we were beyond thrashed!

                                                   Dangerous, Deady, Delishish Deviance!

Ryan made the comment that if you puke your not Irish!  I managed to match my brother shot for shot the entire night and I never puked once.  I didn't move from the couch until almost 3 p.m. on Sunday but I never threw up.  Shane, on the other hand, managed to puke behind a very disgusting dumpster at an extremely shady Circle K in a not so nice area of Akron, at the not so well kept bathroom in Peabody's, behind a tree in some very nice families yard, all over his and Sarah's bed and managed to make it into the toilet a few times as well. 

He is going to kill me when he reads this by the way! 

But we had a blast!  Sarah and him know way more about me then they ever needed to thanks to my liquor induced verbal diarrhea and I survived my first face shredding metal concert!