Monday, June 10, 2013

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end . . .

Well it was a year and a half ago when I started this blog and have not wrote for over six months. So much has changed in the last six months I do not even know where to begin.

I quite my job

Moved to a new city - moved in with three other roomates

Took a CNA class so I can work in health care while I finish my BSN

Filed for divorce

And there lies the kicker . . .

I will be divorced before I am 30.  I never thought I would say those words.  Granted I didn't expect to get married two years ago either.  Two years . . . that is all we lasted.  We didn't even make it to average.  We failed.  But not for lack of trying.  No one can accuse us of not talking through our issues, trying to compromise, making changes, trying to work things out.  Sometimes there are just irreconcilable differences.  There are definitely irreconcilable differences.  You can love someone with all your heart but that doesn't mean you can live with them . . . or should for that matter.  I do not want to walk away from this bitter and angry.  I want us to be adults, work everything out civilly, shake hands in the end and wish one another luck.  I want him to be happy.  He deserves that.  But I deserve to be happy too.  We can't make each other happy anymore so that means it is time to move on.  I know people out there that still don't believe in divorce.  They say you made a commitment and should stick with it no matter what.  I wonder how many of those people are happy though?  Each time I have been asked what is the purpose of life I have responded by saying "to find happiness".  I still believe that.  What is the point of living if you are miserable while doing it? I will not find my happiness in a partner that has tired but cannot understand me, doesn't know how to love me the way I want to be loved and cannot handle my emotions.  It isn't his fault.  He has tried.  Just like I tried to understand him, to see his point of view and give him what he needs.  But I failed also.  I am done with the blame, done fighting and arguing over the big shit and the small. 

Irreconcilable differences. 

That is what I chalk the last 4 years up to.  It sucks.  It is hard.  Do not let anyone ever tell you divorce is easy even when it is a mutual decision. Breaking up is always hard to do but this is different.  It hurts.  For now.  But we will walk away better and stronger individuals.  Why?  Because we now know what not to do.  We know what we don't want next time.  It is just up to us to make sure we don't make the same mistake again.  Not that I think our marriage was a mistake.  It wasn't.  We did what we thought was right at the time.  And maybe others won't understand, but as long as we remember that, it will be alright. 

Now we are doing what we think is right.  Ending a marriage and walking away.   Folding before we hate each other forever, before we resent our partner for not living up to our expectations. 

Unmet expectations.

Those bitches will be the death of any relationship. Both of us have unmet expectations.  We are such different people.  I guess in the beginning I couldn't see it.  It took me a long time to see that we aren't meant to be.  It is a hard conclusion to come to, especially when you love someone and have put so much time and effort into building a life with them.  But now it is time to deconstruct this life and a chance for both of us to build something new. 

Out of this tragedy comes opportunity.  Opportunity for both of us to grow, change, pursue our dreams and find happiness.  I have hope.  Hope that from the ashes we both will rise and find greatness.  Greatness in ourselves, in what we will do next and perhaps if we are lucky in someone else also.


I feel toxic.
I leave a trail of destruction in my wake
and I don't know how to stop.
I wonder if it is selfishness
or a narcissistic need to fulfil my own self worth.

I cannot see the good in me anymore.
It is clouded by my greed.
Drowning in my desires
I am grasping for air.

Begging to see the light.
Hoping for redemption.
But I do not deserve forgiveness.

The guilt I feel is not my own.
And the pain of loss is someone else's.
And there lies my fundamental problem.
I should repent and come clean
But the hate I feel is for myself.

When morning comes
I fear it will be too late
To take back what has been done,
To start anew,
For the damage has already been done.

April 2013