You can tell my new semester has begun . . . I have not posted in a week! And I have been too busy this weekend reading, relaxing, shoveling snow and doing homework to post until now. But I have had a few things on my mind recently that I have wanted to explore and I think I will now so here it goes:
I have been struggling with identity for some time now. I find myself wondering exactly who I am, what I want and what I am doing about it. I feel like a teenager again, sometimes struggling with what Erik Erickson would call the identity vs. identity confusion stage of development. I should have this shit figured out by now right? I haven't been an adolescent in a very long time yet I still find myself struggling with who I am, what I believe and what I want out of life. At my very core, I am a woman. I like to think of myself as a strong, independent woman, who has a hard time asking for help. But at the same time, sometimes I feel so weak and damaged that I just want to curl up in a ball in the corner and sob. I know that I have to be strong and responsible though. I have a house and a family and I can't go quitting my job or running away whenever the urge arises. There are expectations and responsibilities . . . I have bills to pay and people who depend on me. Sometimes it is almost too much to bear though. Have you ever just thought about running away from it all? But alas I remain. Perhaps I remain because I am a wife. This is a new role for me. An exciting and scarey roll. I made a commitment to a man that I love. A very scarey sometimes commitment. Do not mistake that statement for regret though. I do not regret decisions I make. I learn from them. Not that I am saying marriage is a mistake by any means. It is just big, huge in fact. I never really realized how huge until after a few months of being married. You rearrange your whole life because there is now someone just as important as you in it. You make concessions and compromises and you do it for love. Being a wife has certain expectations. Am I to clean the house and cook dinner each night? My husband and I are more or less on the same page when it comes to expectations and we don't necessarily subscribe to traditional roles and stereotypes. But that doesn't mean there aren't times when we disagree. I am a sexual being as all humans are. As a wife, there are expectations there as well. But what happens when my needs and desires and wants don't exactly match up with my husbands? What do I do then?
I took on the role of aunt last year as well. And a proud aunt I am. I have a beautiful niece and a precious nephew that I love greatly. I am so happy for both my sister-in-laws. They are great mothers. But then I feel that nagging emptiness that is often associated with infertility. I wanted so desperately to be a mother myself but have not successfully been able to conceive. I wonder if I will ever. At the same time though, I feel relief. I have seen so many of my friends lives change drastically after having children. Not that children are in any way shape or form a bad thing, but they are life changers. I appreciate my freedom. My fur babies, whom I love greatly, require minimal effort on my part if I so desire. I can sit and read for hours on end. I can sleep in. I go where I want, when I want and not have to worry. I can lock them in cages. I am not sure if I want to give that up. I have been wondering if I want children at all. Is my want for motherhood just a primitive instinctual desire? There are plenty of babies out there. The human race does not depend on my reproducing. So why should I? Maybe I won't and maybe I don't get to have actual control over that.
For the last six years or so I have worked in banking. So does that make me a banker? I have a hard time identifying myself as a banker though. It is not really a role I desire to fill. It was a job I took because I didn't want to leave after graduation. Didn't leave because of a man . . . no a boy . . . a childish, selfish boy who left me broken, confused and weak. My husband was there to pick up the pieces though. And I am thankful for that. And it is a job that I have stayed at because it was easy. I am good at what I do. But I have always been good at whatever it is I chose to do. It pays the bills. But it does not challenge me. It does not stimulate me. Some days are uneventful while others leave me mentally and emotionally drained. So what do I do? I go back to school again. I become a student again. Take on another role. Another me. Student is a role I enjoy though. The learning environment is stimulating and engaging. It plays well into my Gemini traits. I changed gears though. Decided to study something that was practical not like Sociology or Philosophy. So I am going to be a nurse one day soon, I hope. Another role to fill.
Then I think about other labels I could adopt. Political or religious or social roles. And it all seems so overwhelming. Am I a republican or democrat . . . or more likely I subscribe to neither party so what does that make me then a libertarian? Maybe, maybe not? I have always identified myself as a Christian but what do I truly believe? I am not sure any more. I wonder what is true, what is real?
So how many of these are me? Or are they all me? I struggle as I try to sort through all the labels and roles I could take on and attempt to decide which I want to take on and deal with those I don't have any control over. The weight of it all is oppressive at times.
Well that is enough of my random musings and rantings for tonight. I just keep leaving myself with unanswered and unanswerable questions.